Living The Lie
by sunnycouger
Summary: A view of events from after CYN: please note that this fic is AU
1. Chapter 1

Living the Lie.  
  
Do you ever feel fragile? Like it would only take the slightest touch and you would shatter into pieces? That's how I feel today. And I hate it.  
  
It's not just me either, the others feel the same. Like they have to hold it together just to get through the day...or things will never be the same. I guess that's what happens when you are as close to a group...you become empathic. I wish I wasn't as close just now. Close means it hurts...it means we all hurt. I look around the faces, 7 hollow and empty faces- like my own. It's scary to feel so vulnerable, it's scary to be reminded about your mortality when you've barely begun to live. It's scary to be unable to help those I love most in the world get through this. It's scary.  
  
We weren't ready for this- we hadn't even considered it a possibility. That was our mistake. If you ask a bunch of teenagers with no training to fight off a interstellar army with 50+ years experience then it only natural that they'll leave something out. Something that they haven't thought about.  
  
Someone they haven't thought about.  
  
That was our mistake.  
  
It was a shock to us all. The change had been so sudden but so subtle that by the time anyone noticed anything was wrong it was already too late to help. The damage had already been done. But we can't blame ourselves, people do change. Especially teenagers. We all just let the strange behavior slide because everything seemed normal. But it wasn't normal. Things were happening beneath the surface that no-one knew anything about. That was another mistake...none of us were observant enough to notice. And by the time we did, it was too late.  
  
I see another tear fall down my girlfriends face. I try to speak, force the words out that would let her know that it's ok, the words that would bring her out of this nightmare we are all living in. But they refuse to leave my mouth. All that I manage is silence...another thing that scares me.  
  
How did we get here? How did this happen? How will we fix this? I don't think we can...they don't know its happened. They don't know they can come get me. They don't know they need to save me. They don't know this because they believe they are burying me.  
  
They think I'm dead...  
  
It happened so quickly I can hardly remember the details even though they play through my head like it had only just occurred. I remember no longer being me...I remember deciphering the book, I remember not going to Sweden.  
  
I remember hating myself for being so weak as to allow my body to be stolen the first time.  
  
And then they came again as I was about to meet the others and explain everything to them. Nicholas and Lonnie. They let him take my mind again...they broke down my defenses with their mind torture. And he took control. Again.  
  
Khivar is using me again. And I can't stop him. No one can because they don't know I'm here.  
  
They all made it look like I died. My mom, my dad...Isabel, Liz, Maria, Kyle, Michael, Max and Tess. Even the Sheriff. They all think I'm in that hole in the cemetery.  
  
He has me now...using my body to live on earth. And all I can do is escape when I can...hoping that one of them will sense my astral form before he hurts them. Before he hurts her.  
  
But they won't...they think I'm dead. They buried a husk and they thought it was me. How do I make them see when I'm insubstantial? How do I force them to ignore their eyes and feel me there? How do I make them believe that inside that hole in the ground there already is nothing but a hollow husk? How do I get them to save me? How do I save them when I can't even talk to them?  
  
How?  
  
I look at their faces as they argue and I pray that it won't happen...that a divide won't be created. I want to punch Max for believing I would kill myself. He knew me better than that. I want to hug Liz for fighting for me, but she's hurting them all. I beg her to stop but again I have no voice. I'm speechless until they dream. And then all I have is the time that Khivar needs to recover before he retakes my body. If he knew I was here he'd try and kill me. The astral projections are a handy side effect to his possession. Two psyches can't inhibit the one body all the time. One of them has to go somewhere. And I choose to be here.  
  
That at least means I am not totally defenseless.  
  
They walk past me. The 4 aliens leave...the force of Liz's accusations still hanging in the air. If only they knew how right she was about it. But still so wrong. I want to call to them...I actually call their names but they are already gone. And even if they had still been there no sound had came out. My eyes follow Isabel...I wish I could go to her dreams and make her see me. Make her see that I haven't left her. But it's too soon for her. She wouldn't believe me.  
  
I feel the pull of my body calling me back. Back to my cage...back to the planning. Back to praying they don't find out before my friends do. As I fade I see Liz, Maria and Kyle looking at each other. My three closest friends. My two girls. It has to be one of them I go to. They are the only ones that will believe me. I can't help but wonder what will I do if he hurts them using my body? What will I do if I can't protect them? What if I'm not strong enough?  
  
The image fades and I wearily open my own eyes to see where I am. I can't move my body, I'm too drained from my possession but I hear Nicholas's laugh and Lonnie's voice and I realize how trapped I really am. I squeeze my eyes shut, desperate for some shining light to give me inspiration. Something that could mend the shattered fragments of my life. Something that would make me feel less useless. Less fragile. Less breakable. 


	2. Chapter 2

Living the Lie part 2.  
  
I'm actually awake in my own body...which is a strange sensation. Ever since it happened...5 days ago I think it was, I haven't really had enough time to settle back in. But here I am, awake and walking about in my own body...in what looks like a basement, but it really could be anywhere. It's dark...there's barely enough light to see but I know that as long as I'm quiet the chances of Nicolaus and Lonnie coming down to "play" with me is minimal. Now I have time to explore, try and find out something about where I am. Listen and try and find out what they want to do. But I don't have much time. Khivar is due...I can feel my awareness lessen. A sure sign that things aren't going to be "normal" for long. "Normal"...like any of this is "normal". Like any of this has EVER been "normal". But this is as close as it gets for me just now so I have to make the best of it. And, in order to do that I will give myself a...a...I can't think of the word. He must be coming back soon. I force my brain to work through the strain...this too important to fail at! My head is pounding as I force the word from my lips. I will give myself a...a Manifesto!! It's my plan...Khivar wants my body? He better be prepared to work for it.  
  
I scavenge the floor for any shreds of paper that will let me see where abouts I am...I look for a clue out of the small windows that I have to climb to reach. I see nothing but my reflection. I look different. I put my hand up to my head and run my fingers through my hair. So this is what I'd look like as a blond? I look different...Isabel would have a hard time recognizing me like this. I look...strange. Blue eyes and blond hair, I liked my hair brown. I liked recognizing my own face when I looked in the mirror. I liked...I...liked....dammit! I can't find the words...my head hurts so much but I can't give in. The harder it is for him to get in the shorter he can stay here, and that means he can do less damage. I'm still looking at the window, desperately trying to see through the darkness outside. Could I fit through there? It would be really tight, but I have to try so I take a deep breath and smash it, praying the sound won't alert anyone. As soon as the glass is free I try and squeeze my body through the small hole. God, it hurts! I feel a rouge shard of glass rip the flesh from my back and I have to bite my lip to stop from screaming...it's only when I taste the blood in my mouth that I realize I have bitten through my lip. I try and ignore the pain as my head starts to spin from a combination of fatigue and pain...I see the ground and I make one final push with my free arms to get out the window. As I squeeze out it I feel the glass piercing and tearing my skin to shreds but at least, at last, I'm free from my prison. I fall to the ground, covered in blood and totally lost and I take a second to get my bearings before I begin to hobble away.  
  
The pain in my head is excruciating but I keep fighting it, praying I can find a call-box to call my friends so they can save me. I run aimlessly in the dark for what seems like forever but must have only been a matter of minutes and it's then that I hear the voice, the gentle voice that I fell in love with calling me desperately. How did she find me? Did she have a premonition like she had with Laurie? I call out her name hoping that she brought the others with her because there is no way the two of us has a chance against Nicholaus and Lonnie alone. I run in the direction of the sounds as she calls back. It's only when I arrive at the area where I heard the sounds coming from I realize what has happened. She stepped in front of me smiling sadistically...the voice she had used to lure me here now dropped to reveal a thick New York accent. The little sadist is behind her looking at her lustfully before walking over to me and laughing. How could I have been so stupid? How could I have done this?  
  
"The boss wants his toy back now Alex...and he says you haven't been playing nice. Won't let him share when he tried to get in."  
  
He touches my head and I fall to the ground fully aware of what's coming next. I grit my teeth and swear I will kill them all one day. He looks at me with mock disappointment on his face, the typical school bully as he calls Lonnie over. She drops down in front of me and touches my head at the other side and smiles eagerly at Nicolaus who only gives her a slight nod as I feel my brain being ripped apart...memories and feelings extracted and replayed to cause the most amount of pain. Realizing the limitedness of this "preperation technique" they then go into phase two. Planting images of my family and friends hurt, or dead. I know they aren't real, I know that they are trying to break me. I know all this but I scream because I see them...I feel them! As I feel the last shards of self-control leave my body I realize that Khivar is now in control and I am merely an observer now. I take a step back from the grinning group, Lonnie has wrapped herself in Khivars...in my arms. It makes me ill to think what those two get up to with my body. On the plus point Khivar has thoughtfully healed my injuries...and he is now dressing down Nicholaus for something. But that's not important now, what's important now is to find a way to free myself, and that means I have to leave here.  
  
I can't believe I came here, of all the places I said I wouldn't go here was the one I swore I wouldn't visit. She's sleeping...she's so beautiful. I walk beside her and hear her whimper softly in her sleep, is she dreaming about me? I move my hand beside her face, trying to offer some physical comfort to her but forgetting that I am not really here. Forgetting I am insubstantial. Forgetting that I am technically dead to everyone. She moans my name softly and my heart breaks, and in that second I decide I have to go in her dream and try and help her. Help her somehow.  
  
The one thing I wish I had asked Isabel before this happened was how does she feel when she dream walks in another persons mind. I know she does it when she's bored so I assume it's not a bad experience for her but I have done it twice and it makes me feel awful. Like I am intruding on their most private thoughts...their most private feelings. But, needs must...and I need to make sure she's all right before I get down to business.  
  
I enter the dream and everything looks grey, but I hear a faint conversation in the background so I walk towards it. She's standing there crying and looking at a phantom version of herself with blood on her hands. She suddenly drops to her knees and frantically tries to heal the figure on the ground. I walk over and look and take a deep breath as I see she's trying to heal me...I'm covered in blood and she's begging me to wake up. I want to move, to comfort her but for a second I am totally transfixed on the sight of myself...dead. Was that how they made me look? Was that what Max and my parents saw? Was that why I'm here? I shake my head forcefully, trying to shake those thoughts out my head and reminding myself that it was not me that looked like that. It was a cold, lifeless husk. Isabel looks up at the phantom version of herself and begs her to help her heal me...the phantom simply laughs and tells her to accept her destiny. Accept that Khivar did it for her...accept that she's responsible. I hear her scream no..and it's at that point that I come out of my stupor and run in front of her, dispersing her demons.  
  
"Alex?"  
  
She whispers my name...almost fearful that I will disappear from her. I try to speak but I know I won't be able to keep the truth from her.  
  
"You...you're not real...you're...you're dead."  
  
Dead. I'm dead, that's what they all think. That's what they all believe. How do I tell her? How do I tell her that her dream was eerily close to the truth in that Khivar did do it for her? I can't do it, I could never hurt anyone like that...but especially not her. So I emboss a version of the truth...just enough to comfort her...  
  
"Maybe...but it doesn't matter..."  
  
"It doesn't matter? Of course it matters! You should be here!"  
  
"Isabel? Listen...just listen to me. I swear to you that I will never leave you alone. But you have to stop blaming yourself...I swear to you that this has nothing to do with you. I wouldn't be here if it was your fault would I?"  
  
She looks at me, not just in a glancing way but she really looks. And I worry and hope in equal measure that she knows something.  
  
"I love you Alex."  
  
Oh God, my heart aches at that moment and I want to say it back to her as everything surrounding us begins to fade and the surrounding becomes something else entirely. The prom! I shouldn't have came here.  
  
"This is where I planned my future with you Alex. Despite everything we had agreed, I knew even before that night that I was in love with you. But dancing with you here, kissing you here, I felt like I was invincible."  
  
She looks at me with such pain and in that second my resolve weakens and I kiss her as I whisper I love you to her. Almost as soon as our lips touch passionately I pull back, disgusted at my weakness. I'm supposed to be helping her! She has her eyes closed before she looks up hopefully at me as I decide to leave before I do anymore damage to her. I whisper I love you again as I leave and I faintly hear her speak as I disappear.  
  
"Alex? ...Alex!"  
  
I stand beside her bed for a second trying to remember that I don't need air to breathe just now so my chest shouldn't be hurting and as I have no body, those can't be tears I feel in my eyes. It doesn't matter...it feels real. It feels so painful and so real. I look at her sleeping and I see a gentle smile form as she begins to stir. She says my name again, but with more hope this time. That's something then, it means she isn't hurting just now. That's something right? I take a final look at her as her eyes flicker open and she looks around the room and then I leave to go where I should have went first...I go to Liz.  
  
TBC 


	3. Chapter 3

Living the Lie part 3  
  
I finally arrive at Liz's. Isabels words are still echoing in my ears and I can still taste her lips as if they were still pressed against my own. I'm not sure I have ever hurt as much in my life as I do now...I'm not sure anything has hurt as much as when she told me she loved me and I couldn't show her that I felt the same. Sure I said it...but she didn't know it was me. She didn't know...that I would give up anything for her...that I will always love her. She didn't know that I had died for her...  
  
Doesn't matter, I'll tell her everything one day. One of the many promises I have made myself in the past few days. That goes up there above bungee jumping and having a number one album, of course...neither of them will happen if I don't start working out how to get out of here; or more importantly, getting Khivar out of my body. I look at Liz, the candles beside her bed are still smoking so I assume she has just gotten to sleep. I look at the clock...god, it's 3.37am. Why would she be up that late on a weeknight? It's then I see the photos sitting beside her bed, the receipt from the Thai food guy...and the Beth Orton tickets I had got for me and Isabel. She's trying to work out what happened, she doesn't believe what they are saying about me. I almost smile as I walk beside her desk, she's fighting for me. On her desk there's a piece of paper with lines from a poem written on it. I say lines but it's actually the one line written over and over again. I try and strain in the dull light to read it..."Miles to go before I sleep." That lines from the Robert Frost book I kept the tickets in, that's how she knew! I say that's why she knew, but I know it goes deeper than that. She knew because she knew me. She knew me inside out, the same way Ii know her inside out. Liz, Maria and me, different but fundamentally the same. We know each other better than we know ourselves. My bestfriends...my sisters. They were mine before they were Max's or Michael's. They will always be my girls. No matter what.  
  
No matter what!  
  
I realize reminiscing is doing no good to anyone so I quickly walk towards Liz. Are those tear stains on her cheeks? I shake the thought from my head...I have to stop this. They will be sad. They just buried "me"...they have to grieve. Its not my fault that they are in pain. Ii know that's the case but it still hurts. I close my eyes and silently apologize to Liz for intruding in her dream...but, I have no other choice.  
  
I arrive in Liz's dream and have a look around. It's a strange place...it looks like...the school, only not. Everything looks so big...and...cold. I try and find Liz...which shouldn't be hard considering the building is empty but she doesn't seem to be here. It's her dream and she's not here? This is weird...i didn't know that happened. Of course I didn't know a lot of stuff before all of this started... It's then I hear her voice talking to someone. Max? Yes...she is talking with Max. Poor Liz, she loves him so much but has sacrificed it all more than once for the rest of us...I want to leave, but I know I can't do that. I'm intruding in her happy dreams and I have to, all of our lives depend on it. After considering going to see Kyle I realize it really has to be Liz I see first, she's more likely to believe me. I decide to give her another couple of minutes at being completely happy.  
  
I hear raised voices behind me and that makes me turn to look at the scene that had unfolded as my back had been turned. Dream Max has morphed into the Max that stormed out of my room a few days ago. He is yelling at her and as she begs him to believe her he walks through her and disappears. She collapses on the ground in tears, I don't know if they are tears of frustration, tears of pain or tears of loss. I only know they are tears that my best friend is crying...and that's all I need to know. I go over to her and sit down beside her, careful not to startle her. She looks up at me, beautiful brown eyes glistening with tears.  
  
"A..Alex?"  
  
I smile at her, trying to make her feel better. Trying to make her know that I'm here for her. Trying to get her to see me as a real person and not a dream illusion.  
  
"Hey Liz...how's it going?"  
  
"Why...why are you here? I...I can't see you just now...please...please go."  
  
The fact that she wants me to leave isn't really what hurts the most, what hurts the most here is the pain I see in her eyes. She gives me a look that makes me feel bad for inflicting this on her shoulders. No one should have to feel what she's feeling. But...  
  
"I need your help Liz...I'm sorry, but you're the only one I can come to..."  
  
"Your not real Alex! I know you didn't kill yourself and I will avenge you but...you can't be here...I can't see you...it hurts too much..."  
  
Tthe background of the dream fades to reveal another place. I find it disconcerting...to say the least. But Liz seems to be oblivious. I try to see where we are but all I can see is a van in front of a building. I have no idea where we are.  
  
"Liz, please listen to me. I didn't kill myself..."  
  
"I know you didn't!"  
  
"No...no, what I mean is..."  
  
I suddenly feel a dull ache, Khivar is weakening in my body. I almost smile, my plan is working. Unfortunately, his timing stinks. I concentrate on saying what I have to say.  
  
"What I mean is...I'm not dead. I am not dead."  
  
She looks at me before walking over towards the van. She then begins to talk like she's reading a cue card. Her tone is monotonous, like if she showed any emotion she would lose it.  
  
"On the 27th of April 2001, Alex Charles Whitman died in a car crash. He died instantly. His death was reported to his family and friends by Sheriff Jim Valenti. Said friends were gathered at the Crashdown before driving here, to the morgue where Max Evans broke into the van and attempted to heal the damage to Alex Whitman. After the failed attempt all 8...I mean 7 of us left here as the body of Alex Whitman was carried inside. 2 days later Alex Charles Whitman was buried..."  
  
Wow...so that's how it happened. Just like that. A car crash then boom- nothing left. No friends, no family, no life.  
  
"Liz stop this...I know what you all think, I know what Max saw looked real. I know you think you're dreaming. But I don't...don't have a lot of time here. I cannot prove this to you if you don't listen to me..."  
  
She looks at me, desperate to believe what I'm saying. Yet terrified its all a dream. I'm terrified too...I'm terrified that I'm hurting her more with this. What if the others don't believe her? What if she's left alone because of me? What other choice do I have? None...  
  
"Liz, I don't have much time. I have to leave here soon...I'm getting weak but you have to hear this. On 27th April you and Maria left my house. After you left I started to remember things about what happened when I was in Sweden...or more importantly, things that happened when I didn't go to Sweden. Khivar has taken control of my body again like he did for those 2 months...only this time he has no intention of giving it back. He had a husk made, and on the 27th, as I was about to tell you all what I remembered...I remember Nicholaus and Lonnie being there before I could escape. Then I feel them breaking my defenses down before he...got in. Now I can't...I can't escape. I need you to help me Liz. Help me before they do something to you all...he's getting...getting stronger."  
  
She looks at me, I think...I think she's trying to work out whether or not she could conjure a story like that up in her own subconscious.  
  
"How do I know you're real? You said you could prove it to me...you can't. I know everything about what you and I did together. You're a dream."  
  
With that the image begins to fade and I realize I only have seconds before she leaves. How do I prove it to her? I can't make her believe something she doesn't want to! Dammit, I can hardly fight the pull back to my body. But again, the longer I stay...stay here, the weaker Khivar will get. I suddenly remember a way I can prove it to her.  
  
"I kissed Maria! We were...were 12 and she had just been made...made fun of by...by...Noel...Gratzler. He had said that no guy would ever want to kiss her because she was...weird. And we were sitting and she was crying and I...I kissed her. It was too weird though, so...so we agreed never to do it again or tell anyone. Even you...Ask her if you don't...believe me. I have to go Liz, I need to go back to my body. Khivar is leaving..."  
  
She looks at me with tears in her eyes as I leave her dream. I hear her whisper softly my name and I pray I got through in time. I stand aimlessly beside her bed. Kinda my last act of defiance regarding Khivar. Nicolaus and Lonnie are going to have fun with me no doubt. I'm scared.  
  
Actually...I'm terrified.  
  
Liz wakes up suddenly and switches her light...on. She grabs her phone and starts dialing the number, I know on instinct that she's calling Maria and its confirmed when she asks whether or not...we kissed after Noel Gratzler....made her cry. As I feel myself disappear I see Liz smile, not only smile but actually smile broadly. She knows I'm alive...she believes me! She'll help find me!  
  
As I arrive in my body I realize everything hurts and I can barely raise the energy to open my eyelids. As I open them a crack I expect to see darkness, instead I see them.  
  
My first instinct is to panic and scream. But I can't do that, for 1 thing, I don't have the energy and 2? It would just piss them off. I then silently remind myself that they cannot kill me. They can hurt me but they cannot kill me!  
  
"So, Alex? The boss wants us to keep you occupied for a few hours so you are less of a pain in the ass when he wants to visit next time...you up for it?...Didn't think so."  
  
With that they begin to laugh and I silently tell myself that it won't be long before they come and get me. It won't be long before I'm free. It won't be long before I personally kill this little sadist. As the pain washes over me and I scream loud and try and reassure myself with everything I learned tonight. Isabel loves me and Liz knows I'm alive.  
  
Isabel loves me and Liz knows I'm alive!  
  
I'll get out of here soon. (God that hurts!) And both of these grinning psychos will pay. Until then, I've learned a lot tonight...enough to get me through this. Just.  
  
Isabel loves me and Liz knows I'm alive. Isabel loves me and Liz knows I'm alive. Isabel loves me and...  
  
TBC 


End file.
